


The One With the Pumpkin Spice Epidemic (TM)

by tommythedankengine



Series: Tommy the Dank Nuke: a Horrifying and Regretful Collection [3]
Category: Political RPF - Russian 21st c., Thomas the Tank Engine - Fandom
Genre: Barbara's back, Exorcisms, I am so sorry, M/M, Other, Pumpkin Spice, a lot of inside jokes, but completely sfw, chanting, no bad things here, poor grammar but is probably not atrocious, some suggestive comments i guess, trademarks, who knows - Freeform, you're welcome people irl who made me write a third
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:50:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12460035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommythedankengine/pseuds/tommythedankengine
Summary: The Pumpkin Spice Epidemic™ has taken over most countries since the fall of the United States. Everywhere, pumpkin spice has been added to most, if not every, type of food. North Korea has taken the hardest hit; after the impoverished people got a taste of the sweet spice for the first time, they stormed Rocket Man’s silver palace and trampled him. The two Tommy’s have returned (rather sheepishly) to live with Lord Putin, which is where our story begins.





	The One With the Pumpkin Spice Epidemic (TM)

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry.

“I can’t believe that Rocket Man is dead!” Tommy 1.0 sobs, his wheels making soft chugging noises against Putin’s plush carpets as he paces the room. Tommy 2.0 glances at him from his position on the soft bed and softly clucks his tongue but sighs sadly.

 

“I know, Tom,” he says, easily using the nickname that Tommy 1.0 prefers. He doesn’t enjoy being known as the 1.0 model of Tommies, and therefore asked Tommy 2.0 to just call him Tom. Unfortunately, Putin seems to get off by calling them by their model names. Tommy 2.0 nor Tom understand the thrill it is for him, but, eh, that’s their Lord for you. “I wish he wasn’t dead, too. It’s far warmer in North Korea,” Tommy 2.0 continues.

 

In their home in North Korea, they each got their own separate rooms with an ensuite bathroom. Of course, though, they spent most of their nights in the master bedroom with Rocket Man, where he treated them like the princes they were. Thankfully, he didn’t discriminate against Tommy 2.0 for having the Russian flag or not being built by him. He treated Tommy as if he was Tom; he also called Tom, Tom instead of Tommy 1.0.

 

“If that damn Pumpkin Spice—” Quickly, Tom darts his head back and forth in horror at speaking the sacred and dangerous words, before continuing after a roll of thunder, more carefully speaking this time, “—If that  _ thing _ wasn’t invented, then the people wouldn’t have revolted and… and… he would still be here!” Tom wails and Tommy 2.0 shushes him quickly; they can’t have Putin knowing of his distress, then, questions would be asked that they didn’t want to give the answers for.

 

“Then,” Tommy 2.0 begins, “we have one course of action.” He chugs softly over to Tom’s prone body after pulling himself off of the bed that they all share (it’s a large bed). 

 

“Which is?” Tom asks tearfully

 

“Get rid of the Pumpk— _ it _ .” Silence. Both Tommy 2.0 and Tom sat in complete and utter silence following Tommy 2.0’s bold statement. It seems to be impossible. Get rid of the most popular spice in the fall? They may be rockets, but they aren’t rocket scientists. For a few minutes, they debate the issue ein their own heads, both attempting to come up with the best solution. Tommy 2.0 shares his with Tom, who nods. 

 

Tom says,“We need our Lord.”

 

Tommy 2.0 nods in agreement and opens his mouth to yell, “Oh  _ babeeeee! _ ” Within 10 seconds Putin reaches the door, out of breath and sweaty, before smiling at his… boyfriends. 

 

“Yes, my dears?” Putin bats his eyelashes at the pair, obviously enamored and enthralled by their mere appearance. “What do you require my assistance for. Are you… uncomfortable? Anything you need me to… do for you?” Putin licks his lips and stares at the two of them suggestively. It’s not obvious to him, but both Tommy’s are holding back gags. 

 

“Well, uh, my Lord—” might as well butter him up, “—we do require your… uh. assistance for an important matter,” Tommy 2.0 says diplomatically. “It is of utmost importance.” 

 

Putin cocks an eyebrow. “And how do you propose we do that? It’s practically taken over the entire world. I bet if Donald Trump, Putin bless his soul, were still alive, he’d be just as taken with it as everyone else. Even  _ Rocket Man _ was taken down.” Putin spits out the name  _ Rocket Man _ as if it was a vernal disease. Both Tommy’s notice and do take note; they are (and always will be) loyal to the man their collectively loved.  _ Single tear. _

 

“Well,” Tom says from his position, speaking for the first time, “our plan is…” and he begins to describe their plan. The first step is to engineer a vaccine that will make it so you are repulsed by any form of Pumpkin Spice. Okay, moderately easy. Basically, along with using Putin’s prized scientists, they are going to reverse-engineer a serum that (once injected) will turn off whatever  _ thing _ is responsible for the uncontrollable need for the spice. The second step is to create what Tom affectionately calls NanoTommies that will have the serum inside them and will be spread across the world (except for the United States, which is still mostly a smouldering nuclear wasteland. Whoever’s left there probably doesn’t care about the deadly spice anyway). Once they are all spread out, they will be activated and will rid the world of the disease known as Pumpkin Spice. 

 

Full proof, right? Putin doesn’t seem to think so, much to their chagrin. His main complaint is that there are going to be  _ even more _ Tommies in the world and he isn’t sure that he will be able to keep up with them all. 

 

“My Lord,” Tommy 2.0 butts in, “there won’t be more of  _ us _ , per se, but there will be mini versions of us that will not have sentience and therefore you don’t have to…  _ take care _ of them like you do us.”  _ Please don’t try to, _ Tommy 2.0 thinks as he chugs towards Putin. 

 

Putin lays a hand on his face, caressing it. “You’re right, as always, my dear.” He corrects himself, “My  _ dears _ . I’ll take care of everything, also. Don’t you worry your pretty little faces my sweeties.” 

 

“Thank you,” both Tommy 2.0 and Tom chorus. 

 

_ Several days pass… _

 

A loud knock sounds on the door to the one-man-and-two-tank’s shared bedroom. Putin, Tom, and Tommy 2.0 are in varying stages of sleep, and Putin is the first to wake up. “Y-Yes?” he slurs groggily. 

 

Putin’s assistant, Barbara, pokes her head into their room and blushes at their disheveled state. “Sir,” she begins, “there is something that you should see.” Putin sits up straighter, and the two Tommies stir, their ears prickling at the sounds of people talking. 

 

“And that is?” Putin prompts. He slides out of bed, shirtless, and pulls on a pair of European-tight jeans. He wiggles his way into them and stares at Barbara with little trepidation. Barbara’s cheeks are still red. 

 

“It’s absurd, but there is a giant pumpkin-shaped object flying towards Earth at very high speeds. It seems angry with your use of the serum. I’m not sure how to proceed.” Barbara speaks in a very professional manner, clipped sentences and a monotonous voice. 

 

Putin stares at her for at least seven seconds before opening his mouth to speak and closing it again. “I… Is it our fault?” 

 

“It seems angry with your use of the serum,” Barbara repeats and adds nothing more, seemingly in fear of Putin. 

 

But she is wrong, and Putin lets out a whoop of laughter. “Yes!” he cheers. “We did it! Tommy 2.0, Tommy 1.0—” (Here, Tom flinches ever-so-slightly) “—we did it! The whole world, in fear of us, solved from this horrible Pumpkin Spice Epidemic™. However, what is this object?” 

 

“It’s pumpkin-shaped, sir, but intelligence is saying that it looks like… a one of your Tommy’s, but more… pumpkin shaped, like I said.” Putin’s eyes, which were previously alight in shear victory and joy, had fallen into a state of sadness in a split second.

 

“One of my Tommies… what is he doing?” Putin sheds one, single tear. Tommy 2.0 chugs softly behind Putin and nuzzles against his side.

 

“It’ll be okay. I have an idea,” Tommy 2.0 says confidently.  At this moment, Barbara takes the time to quietly leave the room. 

 

“You do?” Putin asks tearfully. “How did you come up with one so soon?” Tommy 2.0 winks at him.

 

“Just apart of the job. It’s one, simple word:  _ exorcism _ . Then, we can return this alternate dimension Tommy to his former glory; you might even gain a whole new… playmate.” Putin turns and embraces Tommy 2.0, one hand sliding down to softly caress his rim. 

 

The exorcism can take place later, right? 

  
  


It took several hours, but once the trio was pulled away from their room, they set out to complete Tommy 2.0’s plan: the collective exorcism of Alt-Tommy, the Dank Asteroid, using every Tommy currently in existence (including every one of the NanoTommies). Just before nightfall, they were ready.

 

“ _ Tommmmmies! _ ” Putin yells into a microphone, “ _ Are you ready to ruuuuuuuuuumble?” _ A cacophony of cheers erupt and the chant begins:    
  
“ _ Вместе мы настаиваем на крахе экзорцизма нашего брата: любопытным завоеванием. Пусть лосось уйдет и вернется в свое первоначальное положение. Не дай ему напугать его по всему миру. Итак, я бы сказал; я надеюсь, что это так _

 

_ Вместе мы настаиваем на крахе экзорцизма нашего брата: любопытным завоеванием. Пусть лосось уйдет и вернется в свое первоначальное положение. Не дай ему напугать его по всему миру. Итак, я бы сказал; я надеюсь, что это так _ ,” the group of Tommies and Putin chant in unison. ( **note: this is using Google translate and is not made to make any sense at all. the original wording and the order using to translate it are in the ending notes. thanks)**

 

“And so I swear; so mote it be!” Putin finishes with a flourish. The Alt-Dimension Tommy is closing in on Earth at this point, and the NanoTommies and Putin watch in interest as it seems to slow-down in mid air, before coming to a complete stop. He seems to change in mid-air, losing the pumpkin-like qualities and becoming more like his Tommy brothers. Putin seems to fall instantly in love. 

 

The newly reborn Alt-Dimension Tommy sinks to the ground, and opens his eyes. He smiles at the crowd, revealing bright white teeth and shimmering complexion. “Thank you, my brothers,” he rumbles, “‘fore I have been trapped in that horrible state for many years, ever since the first Pumpkin Spice Latte™, when the Pumpkin Spice Epidemic™ first began many moons ago. It is only with the power of my brothers, and your Lord and creator, that I am able to stand here before you. And for that, I thank you.” Cheers erupt once again, echoing on itself and magnifying to never-before heard volumes.

 

And this time, Putin actually creams his panties. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> original chant: together we stand to complete the exorcism of our fallen brother: alternate tommy the dank asteroid. let his demons be gone and he return to his previous dank-state. may he never terrorize us, or the world, ever again. so we swear; so mote it be!
> 
> order of translations: english - russian - english - dutch - indonesian - irish - welsh - english - russian


End file.
